


Life and Death

by Samking



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Angst, Ben's funeral, Gen, Heavy Angst, Sad, suicide ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-06-29 07:52:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15725145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samking/pseuds/Samking
Summary: Juno thinks about things at Ben's funeral.





	Life and Death

**Author's Note:**

> TW for suicide ideation, no more than normal for Juno. Its only in the first paragraph. Let me know if I need to tag anything else.

Numb. Juno Steel had felt numb for days, ever since he had walked into his mother’s apartment and realized what she’d done. How had she described it? Smashed the oar he was using? It felt like more than that, it felt as if she had reversed the gravity on Mars and he was free falling throughout space. No way to regain his feet, perpetually spinning out of control and it would never stop, he would be adrift in space until he collided into something or ran out of air. Either way it would kill him. And maybe in the end that’s what he wanted, for something just to kill him. He was too much of a coward to pull the trigger himself so if he just made the right person angry, got into a situation that was just too deep well someone else would do the work for him. 

Ben.

Numbly he watched as the auditorium filled up with all the people his brother had touched during his too short life. His dance students that he taught foxtrot and waltzes to. Neighbors from Oldtown who often would complain about Juno and Sarah but always had the most pleasant things to say about his brother. Friends of his from school, he had always been good at making friends, better than Juno in any case. Maybe that’s why he had won Best Galaxy Smile back in the third grade even though they had the same goddamn smile. Juno even saw Mick and Sasha in the crowd.

Benten.

It should have been him. He was the one Sarah had hated. He was the one who had ruined their lives. He couldn’t even remember doing it, but Sarah had always blamed him. And she was there, even now, crawling under his skin. Whispering all the awful things he had done in his ear. Telling him how worthless he was now, especially now that his brother was dead. Why had he stayed with her? 

He knew he should feel something, that he was supposed to be angry or sad. A lady should cry at his own brother’s funeral right? But there was nothing though. No pain in his chest, no tears in his eyes. There was just nothing, and Juno was okay with that. He just sat in the back of the auditorium and listened to people talk about how his brother had influenced their lives in good ways. He had helped one man build confidence in himself through dance; helped one of their neighbors out by carrying her groceries up the stairs of their apartment every weekend; tutored a classmate of theirs in English and now said classmate was going to a university on Jupiter. He had touched all these people’s lives, and they were using that gift they had been given to help other people. That was his brother’s real gift, he knew how to make a difference in other people’s lives. He had made a real difference in Juno’s. 

Benzaiten.

Why had he stayed with her? The question ate at Juno. It didn’t make sense. It hadn’t made sense when his brother was alive, and it sure as hell didn’t make sense now that he was dead. If- if he had just moved out, if he had listened to Juno this wouldn’t have happened. This didn’t have to happen. Why? Why? Why? 

Anger filled Juno replacing the numbness that he had felt for the last few days. Anger at his brother for staying with her. Anger at Sarah for being so crazy that she mistook the son she loved for the son that she hated. Anger at the world for taking away the one thing that kept him from going adrift, the one good thing he had in his life. Anger at the hope he once had that had been taken from him, the dreams. Juno Steel didn’t hope and dream often and when he did he placed those in his brother, because his brother was the best of them. Anger at himself because it should have been him. It should have been him. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN HIM. 

Ben and Juno.

It had always been the two of them. That had been the most comforting thing in the world to him. The idea that there was someone out there who shared the same life experiences, who had always and would always be there. He had felt lonely in his nineteen years alive, but he had never felt alone. It was hard to when there was someone who was always right behind you pushing you up. Someone who knew you inside and out, sometimes better than you knew yourself. Someone who would always listen to what you said no matter what, who always had your back even when it felt like the world was out to get you. That was the benefit of being a twin, of being a sibling. You could fight with each other all day, but you always had each other’s back. You were always there for each other. Two peas in a pod.

Juno and Ben.

Now there was only one. That other nearly perfect half of yourself was gone. It was the nightmare scenario. The one that made you wake up gasping and telling yourself it was only a dream. That it wasn’t real. Only this was one dream Juno couldn’t pull himself out of, the one where he hadn’t woken up gasping for breath and padded out of bed to find his brother. In fact he’d rather not think about the dreams he’d had the last few days. The one where he was in a maze, like right out of one of the streams, screaming his brother’s name, he couldn’t stop running, he had to find his brother. He could hear his mother’s dark laughs- the ones she had made when she told him what she’d done- following him. He had to find his brother. And he always did, in that dark room with his brother sprawled out across the floor. He was too late, always too late. 

Only one of them now. It felt like a limb had been ripped off of him. 

Benzaiten and Juno Steel.

The service ended and people began filing out. A few people looked like they wanted to stop and talk to Juno but he ignored them. Instead he walked up to the picture of his brother that was on the stage. A smiling version of himself looked back at him. It could have been a mirror image except for the smile. “Ben.” He whispered. “Why did you stay?”

  
  


_ You are alive. This is the gift you have been given. Use it as you see fit. _

**Author's Note:**

> I've had a lot of feeling since listening to Juno Steel and the Monster's Reflection. To date its the only one to make me cry.  
> This is dedicated to my sister, I could not imagine a world without you in it.  
> Thank you for reading my super sad angst fest.


End file.
